SIYOUNG: It’s dark. It’s dark, and it’s quiet. And I usually prefer it that way when it’s night and I’m trying to go to sleep. And yet it’s been several hours. And I’m unable to go to sleep. This isn’t anything new, but it’s not great, of course.
One might assume that I would be trying my best to calm my mind to go to sleep. And yet my mind is not at all calm. And I am riddled with thoughts, and anxiety, and stress. And they extend into this very unhealthy thought spiral. Very negative thoughts spiral.
And the dark, I can’t handle it anymore. It’s far too quiet in here. And I have two roommates. I need to go somewhere where I can see anything, where I can let some of these thoughts out with sound. And the cracks of light coming through the edges of the windows aren’t enough.
And so I leave. I needed some space, a safe space that I had been to before that had a whiteboard because I needed to write. And I go to this common area in the dorm. It is green. It’s called the green living room. And I start making a thought diagram because I just want to know what is going on because I’m aware that this is highly irregular, and highly strange, and highly bad. But I don’t really know how to label what I’m going through.
And so I frantically write. And I draw arrows. And I circle and I underline. And I talk to myself. I whisper, really, because although there’s no one else in the room, it’s still 4:00 AM. And I feel like I have to whisper. And so I whisper to myself. I do one of my silent screams, airy, breathless screams. I need to just express without disturbing anyone.
And eventually, I calm myself down enough. And I realized that I’m still not really getting anywhere. I also think to myself, I should probably call mental health services tomorrow. And so with that, I have some sort of an idea for what to do the next day. Well, first of all, I erase that whiteboard. I leave that empty room. I go back up the stairs. And I somehow sleep.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I’m sitting in one of the booths that line the Infinite Corridor, the hallway that stretches across the MIT campus. And I’m sitting there. It’s a booth for a philanthropy event that my sorority is running. I say hi to my members. And they leave as their shift is over.
Another member comes. And they are someone that I don’t know as well, but they seem cool. And they seem like someone that I would want to get to know. We make small talk. And then she asks, how are you doing recently?
And that’s such a simple question, but my answer was not at all simple. I didn’t even know where to start. Of course, I could have said something like, oh, I’m doing fine. But I’m not really the type of person to do that. When I want to say something, when I have something on my mind, I’m not really one to shy away from it. I think I’m fairly open.
And yet I’ve never really talked about my mental health before. I don’t even know what to say. And so I just hesitate for a while. And they can sense, for sure, that something’s up. And so they say something along the lines of, I can sense that there’s something that you want to talk about. Would you like to share it with me?
I lean in. I think I just tell her about the breakdown, and how I went into the thought spiral that I didn’t really know how to label, and how I thought about calling mental health services. And she replies about her experiences with mental health services and encourages me to call.
And I do. I make the call right there. And I feel a lot better. I feel like I have gained a little bit more control of the situation. And I have a plan.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Sunlight is back. And that’s one of my first thoughts when I see that the weather. It’s going to be 72 degrees Fahrenheit today. And it’s going to be sunny. And spring is finally here. I’m just so giddy. And I put on my favorite dress. And I think it’s going to be such a great day.
And I walk out of the dorm. And my dress flows around my knee. It swirls because there’s a slight breeze. And it’s crisp. And the sun is shining. And it’s warm on my skin. And I just know it’s going to be a great day. And yet I’m supposed to go to physics. And I just really don’t want to go because the sun’s out. And who knows when another day like this will come?
And so I decided to skip physics. And I sit along the concrete walkway. It’s like a concrete slab, really. But I sit there. And it’s a little uncomfortable, but it has really good shade. And I put my earbuds. And I listen to one of my favorite albums called Love Poem and another song called “Happy” by Taeyeon.
And I sit there for hours. And my physics partner stops by for a few minutes. And they sit with me. But they eventually leave to go to class, as they should. I’m just enjoying myself because I don’t remember the last time I felt so at peace and this kind of soft happiness.
And people keep passing by. And I say hi to friends and wave at people. And an acquaintance of mine stops by. And we chat for another few hours. We lounge on the steps of the Student Center that’s near that walkway. We chat about anything from fashion, to world events, and our dance team. And we have a little photo shoot. And I love those photos to this day.
And I was right that morning when I said it would be a great day because it really was. And I will never forget that day because not only was it a great day, but it was a great day that happened after that whiteboard incident and after my first two therapy appointments. And it just fills me with hope, and happiness, and this kind of exhilarating energy for the future.
And yet another reason why I will never forget this day is because a few days later, we kicked off campus. It’s 2020, the spring of 2020. And the COVID-19 pandemic has arrived in the US. And a few days later, I’m on a plane to Korea. And I thought that the rest of the year would be much, much better. But I assure you, that it was not.
But– another but. However, I’ve had more days like that one. And yet I’ve also had more slumps and more breakdowns. But I’m still here. And it’s been more than a year since then. And I still have that hope. I still hold on to that optimism for the future.
[MUSIC PLAYING]