Around the time when I started feeling really down on myself, I decided to talk to someone, to a therapist. And I remember it was sort of like, at the time it felt like a really big deal to do that. And I think that, in a way, at first I sort of judged myself for it. Which is so silly looking back now, because I think it’s such a healthy, wonderful thing to do. And actually, in my lab now, it’s a very normal thing multiple people do, and we talk about it, and it’s all fine.
I actually found it to be immensely helpful, because it was being able to talk to somebody who isn’t judging you and who you don’t feel like is in your ring, but they can listen to you. And basically, just being able to say the words out loud, I don’t think I’m good enough, is such a weird relief. It felt like a weight off my back that I didn’t need to hide anymore, that I didn’t need to just keep it all in.
And so through that too, I was able to sort of get another perspective on how I was perceiving certain things that maybe weren’t true and things that I should be keeping in mind. And sort of just helping to reframe my perspective on the situation, and how things were progressing, and why I felt certain ways. And one thing that I remember that was super helpful was I’m trying to remember that I’m a student. And as a student, I’m here to learn, because I don’t know everything.
And it’s OK that I don’t know everything. And that’s sort of the whole point. And so I think it was really hard to recognize that at the time, because there’s so many ways that you’re like, well, I should know this. Everyone else knows this know.
But I think just repeating that to myself sometimes, especially when I was feeling really bad– in a way I sort of had this mantra that I would say to myself. You’re a student. It’s OK. You don’t have to do everything. You’re a student– and just repeat that in a way. And even though I didn’t always believe it, I think it did end up sort of being helpful to try to tell myself that.